I had a moment last night. I was sitting there, working on the wolf painting and suddenly realized that I detested it. Like violent hate. I really just wanted to put my foot through it. Mergh. It was actually a huge surprise since I had been waxing poetics earlier about how well it was going. I’m not sure why I came to this realization last night. Perhaps it was the fact that I really don’t have very much time left to get it finished and since I am doing it for Will’s mom, I had a perfectionist meltdown. It was so bad that at one point I looked at Will and asked him what kind of gift card I should get for them. [confused] He seemed kinda of disappointed in me, even if he wouldn’t admit it. That always sucks.

Yeah, it wasn’t the most ideal situation. But I had a small pep talk with Mom and decided that I would put my acrylics away and do them a drawing of a wolf instead. I can draw quicker than I paint and to be honest, there is a lot more control in a pencil. Well, at least, I have more control (or the illusion of same). Its my comfort medium.

With the painting, I was growing increasingly more frustrated because I couldn’t get the fur right. And wolves kinda need their fur, no? No matter what I did, the fur always seemed to get too fuzzy and I would lose the wolf’s muscle structure. It is frustrating as all hell. I blame a lot of this on the fact that I do not paint texture. Like ever. I like things smooth. If you look at most of my paintings, they are smooth and contain as little texture as humanly possible. I’m generally attracted to things with definitive shadow structure - not necessarily high contrast - but I like to know where I put my shadows and highlights. I’m a simple girl, after all. With texture, this becomes a bit more muddled. At least in my brain. I have a hard time differentiating between shadows (even when squinting). It probably explains why I’m not particularly strong a doing hair. It’s something I need to work on. Maybe in the upcoming human figure project?!

Actually, I think the only time I am comfortable with texture is when I do (my limited) abstract work. Most of my abstract pieces (none of which have ever made it on my website, hrm) are completely texturized. I’m sure there is some sort of psychological reasoning behind this hypocracy, but its too early and I haven’t had enough coffee to even venture a guess.

But, I’ve started the new drawing. Its going to be about 11 x14″ and will frame really nicely. And so far, I think its really strong. A helluva lot stronger than the acrylic piece and I really only have a line drawing finished. Yikes. I didn’t photograph it last night because by the time I finished up for the day, it was quite late, but maybe tonight.

And yes, I am comfortable with the fact that I am a big fat freak. But at least I feel a bit better about the situation and that’s a big plus in my books, man.